Have I reached the complaint department?

Since there is likely no IT department I will have to settle for the complaint department. 

After all, when a product is purchased and delivered, it would be nice if all systems worked as designed until the end of its useful life; or at least be repairable in a reasonable time frame and by qualified persons. These qualified persons would be the ultimate “Geek Squad.”

godangelI realize that many components appear to be “self-repairing,” but come on really?  The guy at my local auto-body shop does a better job with the cosmetic stuff.  When he is done with repairs, one is hard pressed to find the dings, scratches and other signs of abuse.  Some shops even change out an entire engine successfully—but not this useless piece of crap.

I am willing to bet that the missing “user’s manual” actually states that parts are not “really” replaceable.  What about the “Lemon Laws?”  Surely someone must be accountable!

Regarding the owner’s manual, there is something I would like to say.  Trust me, I looked everywhere and I could find none—perhaps it remained with the packaging—perhaps one could still be sent to me?  Better late than never as they say. 

I think a lot of pain and suffering could have been averted if one had an owner’s manual from the get go.  Although, perhaps the reason it is missing is because most people would not want to know what they are getting themselves in for.  While it is not my intention to nit-pick the entire product, there are few things that I do feel I have every right to whine about.

If we were able to find this missing owner’s manual, the cover would likely say: “A project for life,” —right under the title, “You Are Now Screwed—Enjoy!”

At any rate, now to the BIG complaints:

1.      Why is there a physical component and a mental component?  Please forgive me, but this is truly messed up.  These should have been ONE COMPONENT–that is correct 1 component!  Having a brain that can be conscious of needing one’s diaper changed for 20 years or more at the end of one’s life, is almost as stupid as having a body that cannot function because the brain has left the building 20 years before the end of one’s life.

2.      What is up with having to sleep a third of one’s life?  How about just simply living two thirds as long, but never sleeping?  Surely this must have been an option when original designs were being discussed?  It leaves one in the curious position of concluding the original designer was a bit of a sadist—or interested in other things.  Tinkering and experimentation should be left to inventing things that don’t matter so much.

3.      Disease?  Does this go back to the missing owner’s manual again?  Surely the fact that even unborn children can be ravaged by diseases that can kill and cripple, leaves one wondering about the true abilities of the sexybeetlesdesigner.  Would the owner’s manual show us how to avoid these issues? 

      Why do so many products get allowed into the market place without adequate beta-testing and safeguards?  Seems ELEMENTARY my dear Watson!  While I can appreciate the concept of “planned obsolescence,” it seems only logical that product useability would be at least as long as that of a Redwood.

4.      War?  OK—this is a biggy.  Why is a brain that is capable of pondering its own remote belly-button not capable of embracing that we are all one belly-button?  Nuf said?

5.      Finally, what is up with farting?  On second thought at least that and sex are fun.

So all and all, if I could, I would send this thing back for a full refund.  Actually I prefer a replacement, because hey, it ain’t been all bad—and this time WITH an owner’s manual.

By Charles Buell

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